Gaining self-respect is not easy, but maintaining it is doubly difficult.
Yes, dear friends, and this happens. Just yesterday he was a highly respected member of society, but today he is despised by everyone, “Mr. Nobody”, from whom people look away. And here it doesn’t matter what kind of society you are thinking about: a family or a work team, a hobby group or a yard company.
What about your own self-respect? You can also lose it at once.
Just as the oil prepared by the ointment maker stinks and ferments from dead flies, so a little stupidity harms one who is valued for wisdom and glory.
Solomon
Of course, in both the first and second cases it is necessary to restore. And a little later we'll talk about how. Let's decide first
When self-respect is undesirable
In one single situation: when it is misunderstood. According to dictionaries, the concept of “respect” implies “a respectful attitude based on recognition of someone’s merits, merits, and high qualities.”
So, when a respectful attitude is unfounded, and a person persistently claims universal respect, this looks like a manifestation of vanity. Judge for yourself.
The king's adviser, let's call him Ahithophel, could not bear the insult when his proposal was rejected. And although she was not the only reason for his suicide, still for this official it meant too much.
We were told that respect must be earned and we rushed in with enviable enthusiasm. We counted on praise and therefore, like children, without thinking, without arguing, we did everything they said. And then, after quite a bit of time, we waited for our name to appear on the short list of leaders.
This is not what true self-respect looks like. You are right, friends, if you think that respect without deeds is dead. And yet, when doing something, it is much wiser not to advertise your virtue (although not everyone will approve of this approach). And here's a little parable about this:
One old monastery introduced a small monetary incentive for monks for their difficult work. Each of them tried as much as possible in order to donate their earnings to the village poor a little later. , with the exception of one monk.
No one had ever seen him give anyone even the smallest coin. So, this person was forced into the role of a floor hanger for unflattering labels. And everything was attributed to him: from money-loving egoism to secretive hypocrisy.
Years passed like this. And at some point this monk tripped, fell and seriously injured his leg. He could no longer work and moved around the monastery with difficulty. Others did not want to help him, they even thought “that it was God who struck him, tormented him and made him suffer.”
It was hard for that monk to endure such disrespect from his brothers. And so, one cold day, when the sun was setting, there was a knock on the monastery’s gate. More than a hundred residents of the surrounding villages came to see the monk.
For what kind of things?- the brothers were indignant in surprise.
It's simple. The monk saved what he earned and then bought bulls for the poorest peasants so that they could plow the land in their fields. So, without blowing a trumpet in front of himself, he saved people from hunger and poverty.
When you give gifts of mercy, do not sound a trumpet before you, as the hypocrites do... so that people may glorify them. When you give gifts of mercy, let left hand doesn't know what the right one is doing
Christ
From whom do you expect respect most?
The answer of the famous musician A. Makarevich regarding his political positions prompts us to think about this question. Personally, I am interested in politics only as an observer. But that’s not about that now.
So, he was accused of a fatal mistake, because of which he lost the respect of many. And here it would be more correct to clarify - which is what the musician did - whose respect exactly was lost?
There is an important lesson hidden here: do we really have to be respected by everyone? Are there really so few true friends around us, whose respect already warms our hearts? Does our own self-respect really depend so strongly on the massive scale of other people’s respect?
It seems to me that in our dog times the most important thing is not to lose self-respect. As, indeed, at any time
A. Makarevich 
Please, friends, do not think that we came into this world to be its old-timers. This is not the true meaning of our existence. Therefore, you should not get distracted and give up.
If it increasingly seems to you that there is “something wrong” with this society and you are overwhelmed by the desire to be “not of this world,” then you already deserve the respect of several million like-minded people.
What neither you nor I should do is give up on our own lives. Not a single misdeed of ours justifies fierce self-flagellation. We should not think that because self-respect is lost. This attitude is very dangerous at any age.
The same number of vices come from a lack of self-respect as from excessive self-respect.
Michel de Montaigne
Remember, friends, everything in our life is not in vain. Everything worthwhile is just beginning and it doesn’t matter at all that we are no longer 20, that another year is coming to an end, what’s outside... Who cares what the weather is outside... 😉
Typical cases are described by a family psychologist, a consultant on interpersonal relationships, director of the dating agency “Me and You” Elena Kuznetsova.
Annoying talkativeness
If your man is a talker himself, then you are unlikely to irritate him with your conversations. The two talkers get along well, although sometimes they don’t hear each other.
But if we talk about a normal, calm, laconic man, then a woman’s chatter can become a serious problem for him. A man can be so irritated by the empty talk of his missus that one day he...
“Chatty women do not hear their man, plus constant empty talk irritates the psyche, like the squeak of a mosquito or an annoying fly,” notes Elena Kuznetsova.
Of course, the woman did not suddenly become a talker. She's always been like this. Just earlier and, perhaps, was even glad that he did not need to invent topics of conversation, and his woman was like an eternal talking radio. But over time, he got tired of the constant talking. In addition, a normal man, who usually listens attentively to what his partner tells him, suddenly realizes that he has heard all this from her 120 times already. He doesn't just get bored. It suddenly dawns on him that there is an “empty piece of trash” living next to him, which irritates him very much.
Loss of respect
If we talk about a normal man and parity relationships, then the loss of respect, which usually or any betrayal on the part of a woman, can lead to very sad consequences for the couple. This is followed by and, and even a complete break in relations. At the same time, most likely, the man will not go anywhere, he will find himself a new woman, for whom he will leave his current passion.
“A man who has experience living together with a woman does not go into emptiness. Most often he goes to someone. But even if there is no alternative, and the woman gets tired of it, the man goes to his mother or moves to a rented apartment to be alone and breathe a little. True, he quickly enough, because physically, psychologically, and morally he cannot. He’s used to being with a woman,” explains the psychologist.
Kuznetsova, however, made a reservation that it is possible to discuss the situation with the loss of respect only if the man really respected the woman. Not all men put the right concept into this word.
“So, a man thinks that he once respected his wife, but now he doesn’t respect her. In what cases does this happen? It's already. For example, the woman was young and beautiful, and a man of her type respected and loved. Over time, the woman gained weight, grew older, and the man says: “I stopped respecting her because she turned into a chicken.” But such a definition does not fit the gradation of respect. This is a consumer approach. Respect is a more complex feeling than just a physiological, aesthetic perception of one’s woman,” says the interpersonal relationship consultant.
One more caveat. Loss of respect from a man does not threaten him with leaving if an alliance with a particular woman is beneficial to him - in any sense: material, psychological. If there is, the man will hate the woman, but live with her.
Criticism of a man
You need to be very careful with criticism, because it can be not only truthful, but also derogatory: “Why didn’t you take out the trash?!”, “You put on that stupid T-shirt again!” etc. Never in front of third parties, respect him.
“Excessive criticism can provoke a breakup, but it doesn’t have to. Here, a lot depends on the man’s reserve of patience, and on whether he is ready to listen to her words,” explains Kuznetsova. But he warns against “getting carried away” with criticism, even constructive ones.
Jealousy
Jealousy, especially groundless, is the heaviest weapon. It entails checking a woman’s phone, correspondence on social networks, and surveillance. A man has an extremely negative attitude towards all these things, because he regards them as... A psychologist warns women against spying. But if you still can’t do without it, keep an eye on your husband so that the mosquito doesn’t erode his nose. You can hire a private detective: it’s better to spend a lot of money than to expose yourself.
Unflattering comments about parents and friends
Harsh statements addressed to friends and relatives by a woman can be the reason why. Even if your partner really has a difficult relationship with his mother, under no circumstances say anything bad about her. And even if your loved one complains about his mother, you should not pick up the topic and pour a bucket of slop on your mother-in-law (potential or real). It’s better to feel sorry for the man: “My poor thing, your mother has a really difficult character,” but under no circumstances should you stoop to criticism and rudeness.
Useful information
Elena Kuznetsova, director of the dating agency “I and You”, family psychologist. Phone 8-920-909-62-35.“Mom is sacred. Whether she is good or bad is another question, but she gave birth to your beloved man. At least for this, love and respect her,” says Elena Kuznetsova.
The same goes for your man's friends. Even if you don’t like them because they are drunks and womanizers, you don’t need to voice your complaints. Act carefully, do not give ultimatums, and do not speak negatively about the man’s friends. You can express your concerns about these people when you are alone, reasoned, without hysteria or rudeness.
If you have questions for psychologist Elena Kuznetsova, you can ask them by writing a letter to the editorial office of AiF-Vladimir: [email protected] .
I'm 26. I betrayed a friend. We have known him since childhood, 20 years in perfect harmony, it all started in 2014, then, after breaking up with my girlfriend, I tried to find someone in return. I met a girl, we dated for 1.5 months, after which I realized that this was not an option, I still love ex-girlfriend and no one will replace her, at least at that point in time. We broke up. After that, my friend asked permission to hit on her for sex, I didn’t mind, since I didn’t have strong feelings for her, that’s where it all started, he started approaching her, spending a lot of time on her, didn’t pick up the phone, sometimes I bumped into on them on the street. I was very lonely that summer. The three of us could not walk together, since for her I was an enemy, it was I who left her, unable to forget my ex... we began to communicate with each other noticeably less often, it haunted me, then I left to work on a shift until the fall , offended and lonely. He didn’t really make contact, didn’t call or write. Also, from the age of 17, he always owed me money, he borrowed willingly, but he didn’t give it back, it always offended me, because this was how he showed his attitude towards me, I felt like the tenth thing in his life. But I always closed my eyes to this, forgave, friend, and borrowed more. He still owes me to this day. His debt was never at 0. I returned to the city, now I don’t remember the exact development of events. But we continued to communicate, albeit less frequently, because he was already a girlfriend at that time. Over time, we made peace with her, talked, she often called me, told me what an asshole he was, looked for him, and I covered for him. Knowing where he was, he didn’t give it away, etc. the next year I left again, in the middle of my shift he told me that he would marry her and that they would have a child. Marriage by chance. I was a witness at a wedding. For the wedding, I didn’t know what to give and wrote in the envelope that I forgive him the debt, it seems to be 12k, on the wedding day, when we went to get the details, he left his wallet at home and asked me to borrow money for him until the end of the wedding, saying that his relatives would give it, he will return it, I only had a piece of paper worth 5k, I gave it, but he once again did not fulfill his promise. The days of the month passed, his wife still called me, in tears, complaining, he was bad, treated her badly, could easily not spend the night at home or come drunk or stoned, in the summer of 2016, even in the fall, we increasingly began to communicate with his wife, we had common man, who had little regard for us, more and more often she cried, telling how he behaved ugly, went to the store for groceries and returned after a lot of hours and not always with groceries and many similar situations. In the last month of autumn, I was tired of her always cries, I also felt guilty about this, since it was I who “gave her to him” a couple of years ago and doomed her to suffering, I invited her to move out, began to pay for her housing, helped her with money. And we became so close to her that we began to look at each other with loving eyes, and we slept together. At that moment, he had already become a very bad person in my eyes, I heard so much dirt about him, which is not surprising. In general, his wife and I were united by him himself, since he hurt us both. Months passed, we slept, talked, but I was always visited by the desire to leave her again, because this is my friend’s wife, but she always did not let me take this step, agitating that she did not want us to miss our happiness from for him, convinced me that he deserved it. she wanted a relationship (after all, she felt protected next to me or something) and I just wanted to improve her life, which I once ruined (this is my opinion). I couldn't give her what I didn't want. For the last couple of weeks, we haven’t communicated with her, we quarreled, we broke up. And today, I received an SMS from him “oh you ***, you have made the worst enemy”, he found out everything, I don’t know how and to what extent. And today I seemed to wake up and realize everything I had done: I betrayed my friend. You know, I’ve never felt as bad as I do now, it feels like I’m dead. I didn't just lose a friend, I lost a big part of myself. I don't know how to live further. I have lost respect for myself, I cannot communicate calmly even with people I don’t know, I am very ashamed, I am ashamed to walk down the street. During the day, I wanted to die, but I just imagined how much grief I would bring to my loved ones, they don’t deserve it... where can I get the strength to survive all this, it feels like I’m lying on the bottom of the ocean, and a lot of water is pressing on me. I'm in a lot of pain. I don’t want to communicate with people, because I don’t want anyone to communicate with such dung as me... I didn’t really like myself anyway, my self-esteem was low all my life, and now is the very bottom of my existence. I thought I was doing the right thing by helping her get out of this chaos, meanwhile I was betraying my friend without realizing it. I don't know where my brain was at that time.
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Semyon, age: 26 / 05/19/2017
Responses:
Hello, Semyon! It’s so good that you thought about “how much grief you will bring to your loved ones, they don’t deserve it.” This means your soul is alive, you love them, you care. I had a suicide experience. I'm very sorry. I didn't think about my loved ones. Now my head is not clear and my memory is bad. Suicide is not the answer. It seems that it will become easier later. This is a false thought. Semyon, you are the likeness of God, every person’s soul is beautiful in its depths. Everyone is worthy of respect. We must try to reveal this beauty in ourselves, turn to God so that He can help. Your mistake is in violating God's commandments. And you don’t understand very correctly about love for a woman. Read it if you want Orthodox literature. It is very good in difficult situations to try to help others. When you sincerely try to do good to another, the good comes back to you. For example, there is the “Mercy” service. If you betrayed a friend, then you can correct yourself and not betray him again. Ask him for forgiveness. Semyon, don’t be offended by me, I’m sorry. I wanted to help you sincerely.
Larisa, age: 45 / 05/19/2017
Hello, Semyon! I remember how you feel in this situation... It is really very unpleasant and very unfortunate.
Now your attitude towards a situation that has developed, in general, has changed quite a long time ago.
This is a reason to reconsider your attitude towards your actions, and towards others too.
When you live quietly and calmly (somewhere you are wrong, and somewhere you are very wrong) - there is no reason for change. All this can last for years.
But when the situation opens up like a ripe abscess, everything bad is cleansed. It is collected on every person, absolutely on everyone. Dust, dirt, pus, lies. It is necessary to cleanse, reevaluate, change. This moment in life is called a crisis. This moment is very difficult, unpleasant, but absolutely necessary.
How many times have I noticed: as soon as you feel “not as terrible as that person over there” (that is, a little better than him), you will definitely disgrace yourself in front of him. And now you feel worse than everyone else in the world... Which is also not true!
It is impossible to say who is better, who is worse, who is more, who is less.
The girl, by the way, is also far from the most innocent victim.
A person who sheds dirt on another is always dangerous. Stay away! Believe me, he doesn’t care who he blames, as long as he looks good against a bad background.
It’s impossible to say what’s better or what’s worse: not repaying debts, not keeping your word, quarreling old friends, “accidentally getting pregnant,” or what else. The truth is there is no difference, because one small bad deed is followed by something else, and more, and more. This is how the whole thing goes. Until something prompts a person to say to himself: stop! You can't do that! From that moment on, everything had to be done differently. This is a crisis. Then growth again. This is how we all live. It is impossible otherwise.
For several months (maybe years) you lived inside a confusing situation, but you didn’t seem to notice it.
Now you think about her very often, again and again.
You will definitely find a way out, consolation, and find the strength to act correctly.
Perhaps not the most bad way- is to apologize. It doesn't matter what they answer. Something else is important. A sincere, hard-earned apology definitely makes a big difference.
Elena, age: 41 / 05/20/2017
Semyon, believe me, every situation in life is given to us from above for our Growth and teaches us Love. And it is given according to strength. Go to church for confession, talk to the priest (about the fact that you were thinking about suicide and the reasons) I’m just writing to support you.
Elena, age: 36 / 05/20/2017
Hello. Semyon, it’s just that you are still very young and have just begun to grow up, to look at relationships not only as “bed rest”. I advise you to leave, start living your own life, create YOUR OWN friendly, strong family.
Irina, age: 29 / 05/20/2017
Peace to you, Semyon! It's good that you realize your guilt in causing harm to people. Now it is important for you to talk about this with your friend and ask for his forgiveness. But it is also important for you to tell him about your grievances against him and forgive him. And this is where your friendship ends, because it no longer exists and cannot exist, this relationship cannot be restored. Find new friends. And stop relations and communication with the girl, because this is someone else’s wife and you will not be happy with her. And there can be no friendship between a man and a woman, you can only have one friend - your fiancee, your wife. So start building your life. Find a girl who will be only yours, become a real family man. Children will appear, responsibility for the family will appear, and your self-esteem will be restored. While you are young, you can change your life for the better and live it with dignity. The main thing is not to make any more mistakes.
Arina, age: 27 / 05/20/2017
Semyon, was he a friend? And was this girl beloved both for him and for you? Somehow, in an unfriendly way, your friend “forgave” his debts and walked in front of your eyes with your girlfriend, even with his ex. Maybe you should leave the relationship with both of you in the past, figure out what you want next? Life does not stand still, new people will appear with whom you will not repeat such mistakes. Self-flagellation has never benefited anyone. Get busy with work, help your parents, the rest will appear over time.
Julia, age: 33 / 05/20/2017
Simon, people tend to make mistakes, everyone makes mistakes. It is important not to repeat your mistakes, not to step on the same rake. Ask for forgiveness from both of your friends, bring repentance to God and begin new life With new job, place of residence and new people. Your friends are independent adults who will sort out their problems themselves; you should sort it out for yourself, which I think you can do. You have already started with a very important thought about your family, about their love for you and yours for them. About mutual responsibility. I think that now you will be able to treat the girl you quietly meet on your way as a person, not as a thing that can be handed over to someone, you will be able to be afraid of upsetting her, you will be able to become a reliable, faithful husband for her. You are young, you have your life ahead of you, building your family.
Repent and start a new life. God bless you.
Elena, age: 60 / 05/21/2017
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My wife doesn't respect me! I have lost respect for my husband! Respect for each other has disappeared in our relationship... - a family psychologist hears such complaints every day. If you ask any person what they would like from relationships with other people, I am sure that most often you will hear the word "respect". The need for respect is a top priority for most people. Regardless of the nature of the relationship, age or gender, we are very sensitive when it comes to respect. Why? What does respect give us? To answer this question, let's try to define respect. It is quite difficult to give a simple and understandable definition right away, so let’s try to construct this definition.
1. Respect is the attitude of one person (group of people) towards another person (group of people)
2. This relationship is based on mutual recognition of the individual merits of each of these people (groups of people)
3. Recognition of the priority of their safety and non-infliction of harm: physical, psychological and moral
4. Recognition of their fundamental rights to freedom, expression, religion, etc.
As can be seen from our definition, respect is a whole complex of concepts that affects, oddly enough, our instinct of self-preservation! Now it becomes clear why in personal relationships the problem of loss / restoration of respect becomes one of the central ones. In order to understand what respect gives us, let's look at the diagram:
As can be seen from the diagram, for men (highlighted in blue) and for women (highlighted in red), the priority qualities in the concept of “respect” are different things. If for women the concept of “respect” lies in the emotional sphere, then for men it has a more practical meaning. Understanding these differences becomes especially important when we try to analyze what behaviors and actions inevitably lead to a loss of respect for him or her. Before talking about the reasons for the disappearance of respect in relationships, let's think about how this concept is formed in a person in principle.
In order for a person to be able to respect others, he must have an appropriate upbringing based on mutual respect between men and women, children for parents, parents for children, as well as for other people. And one more important addition - this person must respect himself!
There is a very close connection between self-esteem and the respect of others. Surely many people know the axiom that it is impossible to achieve respect from others without respecting yourself. It is believed that a person’s self-esteem is divided into two components:
- emotional- how I view myself from the perspective of “good and evil”, my assessment of myself as a “good” or “bad” person, and
- rational- an indicator of my competence, professionalism, success. Note that both components that form self-esteem in men and women are different.
From the figure it becomes clear that we call respectful an attitude towards us that strengthens or, at a minimum, supports our self-esteem.
Accordingly, I will regard “unfriendly” behavior that questions my competence or my assessment of myself as disrespectful. In relationships between a man and a woman, respect is closely related to gender role behavior, or more precisely, to the expectation of certain behavior.
Let's look at a simple example. A man and a woman are driving in a car. We stopped. The man got out of the car, opened the door on the woman's side and helped her out of the car. The man showed respect for the lady (helped her out of the car), the woman showed respect for the man by waiting for him to come up to help her out, thanking him, thereby showing that she was confident in his good manners. Respect breeds respect.
Unfortunately, manifestations of disrespect begin with “little things”, the most typical of which are: lack of elementary gratitude at the level of “thank you”, inattention, failure to fulfill one’s promises, raising one’s voice. Of course, some will react to this, but others will not Are you sure you know the saying that “small lies breed great distrust”? The same can be said about respect - small acts of disrespect grow into big ones over time. big problems. Signs of chronic disrespect in men and women are presented in the following figure:
more typical for men
more typical for women
It is important to note that respect is lost not only when such behavior is shown directly to to this person, but also to his relatives, friends or colleagues. My husband doesn't respect my mother! My wife doesn't respect my friends! From time to time, at a reception, I hear one or another client talk about the loss of respect for his wife/husband because of her/his disrespectful attitude towards relatives or friends. Indeed, we often associate ourselves with people close to us and tend to take into account what is not always directed directly at us. Why is this happening?
- belonging to a group (and family, friends, colleagues are a group) gives us an additional feeling of security and comfort, so showing disrespect for this “our” group is automatically disrespectful extends to us too. In disconnected families, where there are no close emotional connections, this does not happen.
Regardless of gender, a person who encounters such manifestations on the part of a partner instantly loses respect for him. It is extremely difficult to restore respect after such actions. This is due to the fact that each of these actions deeply wounds the self-esteem of the victim and causes him pain. Pain and respect are incompatible.
The peculiarity of respect is that earning it is much more difficult than losing it. In this sense, respect as a concept is close to trust.
What to do if you feel a loss of respect for yourself from your loved ones? Here's a simple one step by step instructions, which can help regain lost respect.
1. Look at yourself.
Analyze your behavior as “possibly wrong” towards the person. Maybe you violated his “boundaries”, doubted his value, or simply offended him... Not everyone is able to openly and immediately declare an incorrect attitude towards themselves. Unexpressed grievances do not go away. Having admitted the wrongness of your behavior, do not rush to immediately ask for forgiveness, but rather try to understand why (?) you did this. Without understanding the motives for your behavior, you risk repeating it in the future. The next stage of your analysis will be to find another way of acting that will not be perceived by your partner as disrespectful.
2. Start a dialogue.
Tell your partner how important their respectful attitude is to you and what it feels like when they don't. Don't make excuses or shift the blame from yourself to him. Admit your mistakes by simply listing them. Recognize a person’s right to be offended by you and change their attitude towards you.
3. Ask for forgiveness.
It is forgiveness, not apology. Not many people know that there are big differences between these two terms. Apology is a more formal, secular term. Its essence boils down to asking to take the apologetic person out of the “state of guilt.” Forgiveness is a more personal, if not intimate, term - its essence is a request to accept repentance.
4. Take action.
Regardless of whether you have been forgiven or not, your awareness of your mistakes must be transformed into new attitudes and actions. Remember that you first need to regain your respect for yourself and you are on the right track.
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