When we try to control people and situations that fall into the realm of “none of our business,” we ourselves become controlled.
M. Beatty, Alcoholic in the Family, or Overcoming 
codependency.
How do we allow ourselves to be manipulated?
In the first part of this article " Manipulation in relationships and emotions"We talked about what manipulation is in relationships and how it relates to emotions. In the second part we will discuss.
So, it is not the feelings themselves, but the reluctance to experience them, the flight from ourselves, that makes us manipulated objects. It's really hard to experience guilt, shame, anger, fear. I would like to do something to make this condition stop immediately. The feeling may seem terrible and unbearable. There is even a term for the fear of experiencing negative emotions - emotophobia. .
Therefore, it is not surprising that there are people who prefer to act rather than feel. The problem is that it is emotions (together with a logical assessment of the situation) that give us an understanding of the problem and point to its real solution.
Negative feelings tell us valuable information about what is wrong with us, what our needs are not met, what you need to pay attention to. Fear says that something threatens us (not only physically, but also morally), anger gives strength to struggle and achieve goals, guilt indicates problems in relationships with other people.
If we act without having time to feel and understand the situation, to understand what is happening, it is unlikely that our action will help solve the problem. Because we don’t have time to understand where we need to move. This is similar to running, but the one who runs does not know where and from where (in manipulative relationships, this is most often running in a vicious circle).
Instead of a free, consciously chosen action, a reaction is obtained - an action that depends entirely on external influence. And this is exactly what the manipulator seeks: to control another person from the outside.
Reactions in manipulative relationships are usually quite stereotypical: quickly do what the manipulator wants or respond with counter-manipulation in order to get rid of him. And since manipulation is a hidden influence, the reaction to it is often not realized. And the running begins along a closed trajectory consisting of manipulations and counter-manipulations. Eric Berne called this type of human interaction game.
The drama of such relationships lies in the fact that both ultimately lose in the game. The gain can only be immediate (to achieve the desired reaction or avoid an imposed action). But after victory comes a counter-reaction, and what was gained is lost. With each round, losses increase (energy, time are wasted, other possibilities are exhausted), and all “winnings” are reset to zero.
What is the loss of a manipulative relationship?
The fact is that the participants lose themselves and lose their loved ones. They cannot realize themselves because they are afraid to face negative experiences, and they cannot see the other, because, firstly, he seems to evoke these feelings, and secondly, because for this they need to stop, and they have no time : you have to constantly repel attacks and act-act-act.
Manipulative relationships are paradoxical!
Firstly, although the “players” are focused on each other more than on anything else, they do not see or know each other. That is, the wife of an alcoholic has perfectly studied his habits, places for possible drinking, she knows all the typical excuses, knows all his bad friends, and quickly calculates, based on indirect signs, the risk that he will now start drinking again. But that's all.
For her, her husband's personality boils down solely to alcoholism. She is only interested in information that will help her understand: does she drink or not? And the fact that he played the guitar in his student years, and that sometimes he still thinks about himself small business that he is still scared and ashamed is completely uninteresting.
Secondly, although manipulative relationships require constant tension and action from the participants, nothing changes in them. Years go by, a lot of effort is spent, but the relationship remains within the same closed pattern. No development is possible in them. Because development requires the emergence of something new, and for something new to appear, something must be done differently. But giving up your usual reaction is too scary, because if you stop, your feelings will immediately catch up with you.
Conclusion: to understand how to resist manipulation, you must first learn to face your own feelings and experience them.
Stop and step away
Try to “slow down” your usual reactions. Don't rush into action. It's difficult. The feeling of being “hooked” by the manipulator is very unpleasant. But a quick reaction is not a way out of the situation, but, most likely, another run in a circle. How to stop?
Yes, just at the moment when you want to run away/scream/give money/drink again - you can’t do it. But don’t continue the showdown if you feel that you are being overwhelmed by passion.
Need to go beyond conflict situation at least for a while. You can do it physically: go for a walk, do some exercise, be alone. You can switch to your thoughts and bodily sensations. You can read a prayer. Or before you act, count to yourself... At least to a thousand.
Expand your focus
That is, redirect it. Take a calm breath and remember: how did you even end up here (in this situation)? What's happening? What do they want from you? What do you want? What will happen if you do this or that way? And... why do you need to do anything at all?
Look at the terrible manipulator who makes you experience such unpleasant experiences. How do you feel about him? How do you think he feels now? What would he tell you if he allowed himself to speak honestly? Maybe you'll notice something you hadn't noticed before.
And never forget about yourself. Don't let another person and their problems occupy all your thoughts. Find yourself in space. You will feel your body and the soil under your feet (yes, it’s time, right now). Focus on your own thoughts and feelings.
Don't try to prevent or control emotions
This will only make things worse. Suppressed feelings create tension, which accumulates and then breaks out in the form of uncontrollable affect.
Instead, accept what you are experiencing at the moment, even if it is something painful or wrong. Just tell yourself: “right now I feel guilty (fear, shame, etc.).” Try to look for the reason: why do I feel guilty? Did I do something bad? If yes, what can be done to fix it, if not, then where did this feeling come from?
Remember: a feeling does not oblige you to act. . They need to be separated in your consciousness.
When do you allow yourself to worry? negative emotions, perhaps they will not be so intolerable, and maybe they will go away altogether.
Untangling the tangle of irrational beliefs
Manipulation of loved ones is especially effective because the same family, as a rule, has a common set of unspoken rules. Try to formulate what dogma underlies a typical manipulative act in your relationship. If, for example, an elderly mother tells you that your selfish desire to live separately upsets her so much that you will give her a heart attack, check yourself: do you think that you are really responsible for the health and mood of your parents? Can you really control other people's emotions? Or maybe your parents are still beyond your control?
Be honest
As described above, manipulation in close relationships is rarely one-sided. Maybe you're afraid to do things differently or call things by their proper names. Or are you more comfortable leaving everything as is. Then why do you say you are being forced? Sometimes one frank conversation allows people to finally express their desires, get to know each other and experience great relief. Although, of course, there are no guarantees.
Allow others to be themselves
Even if it seems that the way he is, he is harming himself and you. His choice is his business, and you make yours. You cannot be free yourself without accepting the freedom of others. Power and control are always a double-edged leash.
Breaking out of a vicious cycle of manipulative relationships is not an easy task. If you want to solve it, but you are scared, difficult, or don’t understand where to start, you can contact me for professional help and support.
Hi all! The work week has begun, which means social activity and the level of interaction with other people have increased. What am I talking about? There are excellent manipulators from God, as well as an equally large number of people who are eager to master the techniques of controlling other people so that their own life will finally become easy, pleasant and carefree.
I recently covered the topic of this, and you liked this article. While looking for ideas for new articles, I came across a video that talks about 5 things that manipulation is based on. I liked it. I agree with what it says: it passes the test of reason and is often observed in life. I will definitely attach this video at the end of the article. It looks easy, although it lasts 18 minutes.
As a result, I decided to write an article about how to recognize manipulation, how to react to it, and how we are most often manipulated. The video will perfectly complement the article :) Let’s quickly move on to how to resist manipulation!
Manipulation is a trick that is aimed at inducing a person to do something beneficial and convenient for another. It is important for the manipulator to get results at any cost; he does not care about your opinion about it, your desire or unwillingness to do it. Of course, manipulation is not good, regardless of whether a person does it intentionally or not.
It seems to me that you should value not only your freedom, but also the freedom of other people. They absolutely have the right to put their goals, tasks and time ahead of someone else when necessary. At the same time, this attitude gives us freedom too. It's okay to refuse help and it's also okay to face rejection. If this is of a permanent nature, then, of course, you should think about it.
How to recognize manipulation
To know how to resist manipulation, you should first understand how to identify them.
When manipulation occurs, another person or group of people is trying to persuade you to take an action or decision that you, in principle, do not need and are not interested in. To cloud your mind and not let you understand that everyone wins but you, manipulators put pressure on weak points. You will learn more about them from the video.
If you listen to yourself for a second, you cannot help but notice the discomfort, because they are trying to persuade you to do something through leverage. They may be common to many people or to you specifically. Another person is trying to control you and encroaching on your personal freedom through playing on feelings, weakness, lack, and even kindness. Everything is in progress.
It is clear that manipulations can quite rightly cause indignation, because the goal in them is achieved at any cost, and this is a clear disrespect for you. You are not obligated to sacrifice your time and energy for anything that is not part of your plans or desires.
Nevertheless, you can take a step forward, but in response not to manipulation, but to a sincere request. In this case, the person explains why he needs you and gives you the opportunity to decide for yourself whether you can answer the request or not. If they are simply trying to dump things on you, and do not really need help, do not accept refusal and put pressure on weak points, then all this does not deserve a positive response.
How to respond to manipulation
Everyone is trying to manipulate: both the inner circle and the distant one. Depending on these same circles there will be different reactions. Next, you will learn how to resist manipulation by both.
Manipulation acquaintances usually less subtle, so we feel them better. I would not attach special importance to this, I would simply note a person’s tendency to play on the weaknesses of others in order to achieve his own. Agree to something only if it does not cause you any inconvenience and you would like to do it at least a little. If not, then feel free to refuse; you don’t even have to go into long explanations about this.
With manipulations loved ones For people, everything is much more complicated. It is often difficult for us to admit that we are being manipulated, but if we feel pressure, coercion, discomfort, then this is it. If the request goes against your goals and plans, or even if you don’t want to respond to it at all, then refuse.
The manipulator, of course, will not take your refusal seriously and will continue to put pressure and manipulate more and more sophisticatedly. Just understand what is happening and don't change your mind. You can try to better explain the reason for the refusal, but usually this will not bother a person prone to manipulation: he does not need explanations, but for you to do as he needs.
The first refusal will be the most painful. You may feel like the most terrible person on earth, although you just somehow expressed the right to your life with your goals, plans and problems. Remember that your interests are no less valuable, and this alone should exclude any strong pressure on you.
The next act of manipulation will not be so intense. Over time, a person will be forced to learn to accept rejection. Any request implies both answers: “yes” and “no” - and for many people this comes as a complete surprise and a real blow.
What are the manipulations based on?
The main levers of influence on you, especially when communicating with your inner circle, are pity And guilt. They are truly very effective and can make us drop everything to respond and do what someone else needs. This is noble, but is it noble to achieve such an effect through manipulation?
It is important to distinguish when you actually feel pity and guilt, and when they are imposed on you. Does the person or their situation really make you sincerely pity and want to help? No? Then, most likely, this feeling is simply instilled in you so that you do what is convenient for the other.
You seem to have done nothing wrong, but suddenly you feel terribly guilty. So guilty that you are already rushing to help and make amends. This should be alarming, especially considering that you can simply shame a person and make them feel guilty out of nowhere.
If you doubt the presence of manipulation, then try not to do what you are being encouraged to do: refuse and observe the reaction. If the other person does not accept your refusal and continues to coerce and put pressure on weak points, then there is definitely manipulation. They just tried to control you in an ugly and dishonest way.
I am convinced that requests must be truly justified and sincere. In this case, it’s nice to help, even if sometimes there are more important things to do. Manipulators should not be worth your attention: it is low to try to achieve your goal in this way.
Try to give more freedom to others, take refusals calmly, even if you were counting on the person. He wouldn't refuse you without reason. Also allow yourself to sometimes be “bad” and refuse help: you, like the other person, have every right to do this.
I hope you enjoyed this article on how to resist manipulation! Respect yourself, do not devalue your time and energy, help when you really feel like it! Let manipulators spend their energy not on blackmail and looking for your next weak point, but on solving their problems independently.
I hug you, I wish you Have a good day and I attach the video that I mentioned at the beginning of the article. Write your opinion about this topic.
See you on Thursday when it comes out new article! I will also be very glad to see you on social networks. Bye!
How to resist a manipulator? If you feel like you're being manipulated, don't rush to chalk it up to paranoia. Relatives, loved ones, colleagues, and bosses try to control us.
And everyone has their own trump card up their sleeve! How to resist manipulators who achieve their goals at your expense?
Sometimes it is not easy to understand that your feelings are being played to suit their own goals. Deceit lurks at every turn. Even among those closest to us there are notorious blackmailers.
Here's an example: you come to visit your compassionate mother and declare that you intend to marry your neighbor, a graduate. Mother shouting “On this one?” clutches his heart, groans, gasps, and by evening finally goes to bed.
And you, of course, decide to postpone the engagement, because parental health is sacred. Think about it, how many times have your parents reproached you with their nerves and gray hairs for unwise decisions? But this is one of the most inveterate and classic manipulations.
Women are great at managing their spouses., pouting and taking offense at their delays at work. As soon as the beauty grumbles at the stove and goes to bed in splendid isolation, the next morning she is taken to the store for new shoes and a dress. She has absolutely nothing to wear!
Even children are wonderful blackmailers, and they clearly learned from their parents. Remember how recently you yourself convinced them: “If you don’t turn off the TV, you won’t get ice cream.” And now they themselves demand payment for school A's. 
Take a closer look at your boss? Frequent nagging, public ridicule, dissatisfaction with the pace of your work - all these means are used by those who want to keep the situation under control. The motive of any manipulation is the desire to dominate everything and lead your life..
1. First of all, change your tactics and your playing style. If your wife usually puts pressure, and you immediately give in (because it’s more valuable to yourself), then now change your behavior dramatically.
Whatever it takes. This kind of shock therapy can also affect the manipulator. Why did the victim suddenly flutter?
2. Try to ignore the blackmailer. Do you usually make excuses, promise to fix everything on time, pretend to be poor and agree to blame? Now look into the void, not paying attention. It is also useful to blink your eyes and pretend that you do not understand at all what is being said.
3. Try changing the subject if you feel pressure during a conversation. Distract the manipulator's attention with any news, anecdote, or off-topic comment. “Yes, I understand that you want to entrust this difficult matter to me... Oh, and your ceiling is leaking here. I can now recommend such a master to you, he is simply a miracle! We had some repairs..."
4. Heal your wounds, get rid of complexes and fears. It's very easy to play with emotions. For example, your deep sense of guilt allows the person to whom you have sinned to twist ropes out of you. And you are glad, because in this way, as it seems to you, you are making up for the wrongdoing.
5. Don't get into debt, both financial and psychological. If you are obliged to someone, then you almost become a slave in his hands.
6. Take a time out. If the request is difficult to fulfill, don't agree right away. Say what you think, but take the advice into account.
7. In stores do not use consultants. Your catchphrase: “Thank you, I’ll figure it out myself.”
8.Explore your pain points. What particularly bothers you? Perhaps your husband constantly claims that you are a slob and a lazy person? And it hurts you so much that you refuse lunch with your friends and run to scrub the apartment before he arrives?
Get rid of the desire to be the most the best person in the world. Do what you want and think again about whether it’s worth living next to a manipulator.
9. Only those who “are happy to be deceived” are manipulated. Increase your self-esteem, strengthen. Become too tough a nut to crack various kinds blackmailers.
10. In any story you can find a mutually beneficial compromise. Maybe there is some reasonableness in the parents' proposals?
What if you really are in too much of a hurry to get married? Make small concessions (for example, postpone everything for a month), but also demand a return from them (be polite to the bride). 
11. Express and explain your opinion. You have a personal position, right? So the wife thinks that the refrigerator needs to be rearranged, and nags every day, focusing on the most painful thing: “Are you a man or not? Maybe I should hire a worker?”
And you just don't like this idea. Just say: “It’s convenient for me when the refrigerator is in this corner. This way it doesn’t block the window, and I admire that flowerbed in the morning.” Perhaps this will sober up your spouse.
12. Don’t forget, very often manipulators do this unconsciously. They don't understand the harm they cause, how they hurt you. Sometimes a problem can be solved with a simple conversation.
Manipulation is an instrument of influence, a method of influence, a rude and violent change in the way of thinking and behavior of another person. People often resort to such unethical influence because it is simple and effective. How to resist a manipulator?
It is much easier to use manipulation techniques (lies, blackmail, suggestion, and others) than to spend hours in a calm conversation explaining your point of view, finding and presenting arguments and evidence, or helping your interlocutor realize some truth.
For example, a mother can manipulate a child like this: “Until you put all your toys in the closet, you won’t go watch cartoons.” The intention is good - to develop neatness and cleanliness in the child; The chosen method (threat) is fast-acting, but far from the best.
Manipulator- a person who uses others as a means to achieve personal goals. But manipulators are not always cynical and insensitive, as the definition might seem. Many of them act “out of love”: “I wish you well!”
Types of manipulators according to E. Shostrom (American psychologist and psychotherapist):
- Dictator. Manipulates through threats, reprimands, criticism, punishments and other harsh verbal and forceful actions. Desires to manage and control the environment. Having gained power, he becomes a despot.
- Calculator. Calculating egoist. They consider any person as a potential source of benefit. The calculator is cynical and insensitive, and his friendship and love are calculated. He behaves politely and kindly, but is uncommunicative.
- Rag. The main method of influence is pity. Deliberately demonstrates his weakness, softness, infantility, naivety, helplessness. By “laying out” in front of the victim, Rag shifts responsibility, thereby making his life easier and more carefree. Such manipulators are often artistic and flirtatious.
- Stuck. If Rag only pretends to be weak and helpless, then Sticky really is. He follows his victim, tormenting her with requests for help and support. Desires to be controlled and led.
- Judge. Judges and condemns. Suspects everyone of lies and malicious intent. Can find a sin or crime in any harmless act. Tries to evoke a feeling of guilt and a desire to atone for her. He often frowns and expresses dissatisfaction with the whole world.
- Defender. Plays the role of a good trustee. He loves to shield, justify, and praise for no reason, thereby doing a disservice to his victim and making her dependent on his kindness.
- Nice guy. Unlike the protector, the Nice Guy only pretends to be kind. His concern is feigned and intrusive. He puts on a mask with a fake smile and becomes charming, charismatic, friendly. He easily “falls” the victim in love with himself, and then, behind her back, commits vile acts.
- Hooligan. Such a manipulator will not build a plan and then strike on the sly, like the Nice Guy, but will do it immediately and openly. He is simple and straightforward, does not know how to negotiate or compromise. His only argument is brutal physical aggression. If something is not the way the Hooligan wants it, fists are immediately used.
Tandem “manipulator – victim”
As a rule, there is some kind of long-term interdependent relationship between the manipulator and his victim. They cannot live without each other and seem to be attracted to each other. This is a relationship power and subordination, that is, not partners and not equal.
One person believes that he has the right to lead another, and the other, consciously or unconsciously, allows him to do so. Moreover, one can lead not only through strength, but also through weakness.
The manipulator does not always recognize himself as such and, on the contrary, considers himself a patron, assistant, and comrade-in-arms of the victim.
More often resort to manipulation:
- parents towards children,
- spouses in relation to each other,
- superiors in relation to subordinates.
A manipulator only has power over another person when he understands that he can influence him, that is, when he assumes that the person will succumb to manipulation. And victims themselves often provoke manipulators with words, actions, and behavior.
Victim a manipulator becomes a person who:
- Psychologically not mature or directly dependent on the manipulator. Therefore, children and adolescents, whose personality has not yet had time to form and strengthen, are very easy to manage.
- He has obvious “sore spots”: too kind, compassionate, impulsive, hyper-responsible, in love, etc. The manipulator builds his behavior in such a way as to affect precisely these aspects of the personality: “Do you love me?”, “Not for service, but for friendship!”, “No one can do this better than you!”
- Confuses someone else's and one's own “I”. Without your own guidelines, principles, goals, strong positions, needs, desires, it is easy to believe and blindly follow those who offer them and advertise them as the best. For example, a young woman whose parents tell her that it’s time for her to have children begins to think that she really wants this, and having achieved her goal, she wonders why she is not happier.
- Takes a passive position in relationships. Does not analyze his relationship with the manipulator, does not perceive them critically, tolerates discomfort in communication, and is in no hurry to counteract.
In the “manipulator-victim” relationship no development. This is a vicious circle that can only be broken, after which the relationship is either completely will stop, or they will go for a qualitatively new one, more high level (business or spiritual).
The manipulator uses the victim as a means to achieve goals, squeezing strength and energy out of him. The victim of manipulation suffers not only from psychological discomfort, but often from physical ailment after such communication.
Long-term relationships with a cruel manipulator are often fraught with mental or psychosomatic illnesses. To save yourself, you need to learn to resist manipulation.
Ways to deal with a manipulator
To be able to confront a manipulator, you will have to find and identify the traits of a potential victim in yourself.
To begin with, it’s worth answering questions:
- Am I sufficiently independent from the manipulator and self-sufficient?
- What are my “weak points” that the manipulator is pressing on? Which ones need work?
- Am I clear about my personal area of responsibility? Am I shifting someone else’s “burden” onto myself?
- Are all my desires and goals really mine, and not imposed from the outside?
To resist a manipulator, you need be confident. A confident person knows how to interact with his interlocutor in a business-like manner, on an equal footing, and maintain composure during communication.
A person who does not give in to manipulation will not become a victim.
Eat technique, which will help even a weak and easily suggestible subject to resist the manipulator during communication:
- The right attitude. You need to be able to notice the manipulation in time. As soon as a manipulative technique wedges into a normal conversation, you need to tell yourself: “They are trying to control me, but I can resist.”
How to notice? If you know the manipulative techniques, as well as the type to which the manipulator belongs, it is not difficult. In addition, there will be a pressing on “sore spots”: pity, compassion, a desire to help, feelings of guilt, shame, injured pride and other manifestations of “weak” character traits will appear.
- Breaking the “pressure-concession” chain. The manipulator is used to receiving quick result, he expects the victim to immediately agree and do as he wishes. You can't give in! You need to answer: “I’ll think about this proposal/request/advice,” take a break and not give in to persuasion to make a decision at the moment.
- Expressing your position. You need to express your position clearly and persistently, but calmly. The goal is to show the manipulator your confidence and strength of character.
This is not easy to do, since it is unlikely that the manipulator will be ready to listen to her calmly; on the contrary, he will increase the impact and use all his capabilities. But there is no other way out than to gather courage and “hold the line.” You will have to endure screams, tears, reproaches, insults, etc.
- Expression of feelings. You need to understand and not be embarrassed to talk about the painful feelings that the manipulator causes. There is no need to blame him, for example, like this: “Because of you, I feel ungrateful!”, but try to speak from an I-position, for example: “Your words and reproaches make me feel ashamed, although I have nothing to be ashamed of!”
- Resolving the situation. If a relationship with a manipulator is expensive, you will have to compromise. Under no circumstances should you give in completely, but you will have to learn to negotiate.
The solution should satisfy both interlocutors, and not contribute to achieving the selfish goals of the manipulator. If you make concessions, then to both partners, if you share responsibility, then in half, if you communicate, then openly, honestly and on equal terms.
Anyone, even the closest, dearest and most beloved person, is a separate person. When communicating with people dear to your heart, you should not forget about yourself. If you completely “merge”, become a servant, a victim or a shadow of another person, you can lose not only your “I” and your individuality, but these same close relationships.
Neither parents, nor children, nor spouses, nor friends, nor colleagues have the right to manipulate the identity of another person.
Harlequins and pirates
Circus performers and acrobats,
And the villain, whose appearance inspires fear,
Wolf and hare, tigers in a cage -
They're all puppets
In dexterous and tired hands...
Time Machine, "Puppets"
But it is worth admitting that often other people become such a tool on the way to achieving what we want, and in someone’s more agile hands, without noticing it, we turn into puppets. And this happens in both business and personal life and is repeated again and again,
It’s great if this doesn’t become a problem for someone (after all, innocent manipulations on the part of relatives and friends usually do not cause discontent). But what if the situation takes a completely different turn?
How to recognize, resist manipulation and not dance to someone else’s tune?
Let's start in order. So, let’s define it, manipulation is a kind of hidden influence of one person on another to achieve their goals. All people can be divided into “balalaikas” and “harps”. The first ones have 3 strings: pride, greed and fear. The second is a lot of feelings-strings. The manipulator’s task is to find out which string should be played in a given situation for a particular person and, in general, the trick is in the bag.
BUT! You can’t do this without special devices! And, you know, there are suitable instruments too - “pinches”, so-called. With their help, it is easier to make the strings of the human soul tremble and vibrate. These “tweaks”, on top of everything else, are not all made with the same brush - after all, you can’t play what you need! There are “bottom pinches” in the arsenal, which hint at some of your weaknesses and “pinches from above,” on the contrary, deliberately extolling virtues. And the “pinches” have a special character - teasing and provoking, but it is better to play with them on “balalaikas”.
But with “harps” the situation is somewhat different. More sophisticated methods are used here. The harp is a gentle, sensitive instrument, just a light touch and its strings will tremble in different frets. So it is with a person: a significant pause, a grin, a heavy sad sigh, a restrained laugh or an expressive look, etc. - and the “harp”, having interpreted all these tricks of the manipulator from the point of view of its sensitive strings, no longer controls emotions, begins to worry, worry, doubt, experience discomfort and, in the end, perform actions pleasing to the virtuoso manipulator.
So there is a special approach for everyone. And the virtuoso manipulator “plays music” so much that sparks fly from his eyes from his efforts.
Here are examples of such variations (note the keywords, which are typical but almost 100% valid pinch stamps):
bottom pinches:
“Are you so easily upset?!”, “Are you always afraid?”, “This thing is too expensive for you,” “Even you can’t answer this question!”
top pinches:
“I know you are not so easily upset!”, “And are you afraid?”, “I saw such an expensive thing - just for you,” “Only you can answer this question.”
But what guides such a “maestro” in his playing is an ambiguous question. An obvious fact - to achieve your goals, which, as already mentioned, can be different, but there is only one task - to take a person out of what is natural for him emotional state and use this by provoking the actions necessary for the manipulator. Let's remember the legendary Crow and Fox. The Fox, being a most skillful manipulator, played on the string of Crow's self-esteem with flattery. The crow, not suspecting anything, succumbed to the influence, “melted” from pleasant words, disconnected from its intentions to eat and croaked (which it had not intended to do before), which pleased the cheat.
Often, the goal of the manipulator is not some specific action on your part or the result of it, but to protect himself or herself by criticizing and humiliating the interlocutor.
You tell such a person about your achievements, and he responds (fearing for his pride): “Yes, what can you do! You have no talent, no brains!” - at this moment he feels like the master of the situation, “on horseback.” You (naturally!!!) begin to boil with righteous anger: “How is this so!”, you begin to make excuses - and he was expecting this - your confidence and state of mind has wavered, but it has noticeably strengthened.
So what can you do to resist manipulation?
First, let's list what can be classified as prevention:
You need to know your “strings” and as soon as something “stirs” in your soul, “scrapes” from what you hear - be alert and maintain composure:
1. Keep track of typical phrases that unsettle you, memorize them (for me personally, the phrase “only you can help me, you are my only hope!” works flawlessly).
2. Thanks to such self-observation, you will definitely know when you are being “treated.”
3. Try not to give in to surging feelings if the strings are touched. Don’t act spontaneously (feelings will pass after a while, but you’ve already made a mess).
4. Remember your own desires, interests and priorities.
Now let's list the specific techniques:
1. “Run for your life” - this applies to those cases when it is possible to limit or stop communication with the person who is trying to control you.
2. “We are also not born with bastards” - in response to teasing, you respond with an equally sharp word. The main thing is to make sure that the verbal spat does not end in a fight.
3. “Partial acceptance” - in response to the manipulator’s statement, you make a thoughtful expression on your face (such as “to be or not to be” or “what is the meaning of life”), take a pause, and then say: “You may be right, but.. ( Then you put forward some deep philosophical argument. As a rule, the manipulator gets tetanus, his initiative deflates before his eyes, he forgets about the desire to somehow influence you (or you never know what else he thinks!) and you celebrate victory. I use this method myself and I admit that it works!
4. “Approaching from the rear” or “questioning head-on” - this technique is quite complex and requires an understanding of what motives the manipulator is acting from. That is, if you have guessed the intention and position of the manipulator, then, without hesitation, openly ask him about it.
Let me explain with an example.
“Well, you won the main prize - no one will appreciate it anyway!” - the interlocutor says sarcastically.
Instead of being indignant, you calmly and soulfully: “Are you jealous of me?”
After such words, believe me, the manipulator’s cards will be thoroughly confused.
Of course, this is not an exhaustive range of ways to protect against hidden influence, and everyone, based on their own experience, can add their own battery of techniques to it.
But life always puts a person before a choice - to fight, resist, or at some point resign and accept, in order to preserve the relationship or not provoke more serious unpleasant consequences. Let us remember Kutuzov, who, having given up Moscow, subsequently won the entire war.
So the choice is yours! Good luck!
