We too often do what is expected of us. We give, we give in, we remain silent - even if we understand that this is wrong... Let's try to change the situation.
The phrase “we all come from childhood” is not a poetic fiction, but the harsh prose of life. Here is a nasty strange boy trying to take away your scoop, kicking and rowing. I want to punch the invader in the forehead, but my mother shakes her finger: “It’s not good to be greedy!” What to do - you have to obey, although deep down you are convinced that this is unfair. And twenty years later, an acquaintance who has squandered his salary at a casino will come up to you asking for a loan. And you, angry at your own good manners and dependability, will take off your last shirt - because, as before, you “hurry to do good.”
GREEDY BEEF
A friend calls: “Listen, what should I do? I bought my daughter a carnival dress - so “princess”, long, sparkling. She can’t look at it enough, she’s counting the days until the holiday. And then a neighbor came in, saw a new thing and said: “My matinee is on.” the day before - let me vilify!" Of course, I don’t want to give. If you don’t give, he will decide that we are greedy and will be offended... For the second day I can’t think about anything else!”
Probably, you too have had to choose more than once: having obeyed, refuse - or give, but also without any joy.
Why is the “ask and give” attitude so firmly ingrained in us?
Perhaps because parents really don’t want their sweet baby to grow up greedy. After all, then you’ll hardly get the phrase from those around you: “Oh, what a kind and well-mannered child! We wish we had something like that!” For the sake of cherished words, many can be sacrificed.
Nobody argues that people should be treated humanely. And the laws of community life require the ability to find compromises. But in practice, this often comes down to the fact that only other people’s desires are taken seriously, and no one, including you, takes yours into account. A person has to literally squeeze out the “mother’s voice” drop by drop, learn to understand himself and say “no” in response to unpleasant requests.
HOW TO DO?
Outline the circle of things that you know for sure: “This is mine and only mine. No matter who demands, I will not give it for anything! And you will not get any false feelings of guilt.” At the same time, determine what you can part with relatively painlessly if necessary. At the same time, of course, we must remember that other people also have the right to say “no”.
YABEDA-KORYABEDA
Lera, marketer: " A colleague dumped all the work on me for a project that we were supposed to do together. Conversations with him lead to nothing... Going to the authorities is somehow inconvenient, they will say that I’m slandering..."
From infancy we are convinced: it’s a shame to tell lies! But they often forget to explain: denunciation and fair criticism are not at all the same thing.
Typical picture. Kindergarten on a walk. Suddenly one of the girls runs up to the teacher:
- And Masha and Seryozha found some mushrooms, cooked them and now they will eat them!
The teacher rushes like a kite towards the young cooks, the toadstools fly over the fence, everyone is saved. But at the same time she blames the girl:
- Snitching is not good!
I wonder how this girl, as an adult, will solve daily dilemmas like: should she tell her friend that her husband skipped his secretary to a cafe? Should I complain to the housing office that next apartment demolished load-bearing walls? My son’s classmate has been spotted in bad company – should he tell his parents about this or let them sort it out themselves? The choice is easy only for convinced fighters for the truth or hardened scoundrels. The rest are painfully thinking...
HOW TO DO?
Determine for yourself situations when you cannot remain silent - they, as a rule, concern the life and health of people. Then draw the next circle - situational. If you think it’s necessary, tell me, if not, keep silent, and no one will have the right to reproach you. And the third circle, about which you will say to yourself: “This does not concern me!”
UNBEARABLE STUBBORN
Elena, dancer: “I practically don’t communicate with my parents. They are not satisfied with the life I lead – the wrong job, the wrong husband, the wrong friends. It’s like a continuation of a children’s story: “Don’t you dare go out without a scarf and be home by 9!” "It's stupid, ridiculous, but I still remember this scarf..."
Elena survived the fight with the “scarf” and retained, and perhaps deliberately emphasizes, her independence and freedom from other people’s opinions. But sometimes parents still manage to tighten this “scarf” around a person’s neck.
Chance brought me into contact with an excellent teacher. He told the children the right things and was fair and objective. One “but”: as soon as he found himself face to face with the school director, he lost all ability to reason independently and kept repeating like a habit: “Yes, I agree, you are absolutely right...” Colleagues laughed at him, the children began to despise him - he had to quit. But where is the guarantee that the old story will not repeat itself in the new place?
Usually those whose parents diligently made their dreams of “the most obedient child” come true do not know how to defend their point of view.
They grow into obedient workers... But what about creativity, creativity, new ideas and self-realization? Unfortunately, there will most likely be problems with this.
HOW TO DO?
If you are not able to insist on your own, to force someone to listen to you, then open confrontation is not your strong point. But the path of least resistance is far from the easiest: compromisers are usually not liked and are considered sycophants. Try not to speak, but to write. Submit all your comments, considerations, suggestions in writing or send by email email. You will be able to hone your wording, give it the correct look, and polish your style. And no one will see your sweat-covered forehead and blushing cheeks.
ADVICE FROM VRUNGEL
“Whatever you name the yacht, that’s how it will sail!” - Captain Vrungel sang. Indeed, call a person greedy, a snitch and stubborn, and you are unlikely to want to communicate with him. But try to look at things differently. Not a greedy husband, but a zealous owner. Not a wife as stubborn as a donkey, but a respected person who has her own point of view. Not a sneaky mother-in-law, but just a lover of conversation who trusts you with all her secrets. Even strangers. But you are devoid of human weaknesses, and this will not go further than you, will it?
Hello Anton.
I would like to get some advice from you.
Since childhood, I grew up as a timid girl, my mother was domineering, there was no father, my upbringing was one-sided, my mother’s - my mother always criticized, condemned, I only recently realized that I am an insecure person - closed, especially uncommunicative, but beautiful and good. but I lack confidence in my life. Mom was always unhappy with something about me, I didn’t even want to do anything, and didn’t know what I wanted, I think because my mother suppressed everything in me and always called me a fool. what do you think? what do you advise me? how to believe in yourself? I want to be confident and lively, nimble and energetic, but I can’t become like that myself. a couple of tips! Do you also think that everything comes from childhood? Thank you.
Angela, Sydney, 24 years old
Family psychologist's answer:
Hello Angela.
What do you think, since you spoke in such detail about your relationship with your mother? Actually, I think the connection is obvious. Our parents mean the whole world to us in childhood, and their attitude determines our development for many years. We are not born insecure. And if a child is criticized, they constantly talk about what is “wrong” with him, they do not approve, they do not encourage his aspirations and successes, then where does confidence come from? And then this is what happens: this unkind parent takes up residence inside for a long time. And you yourself don’t notice how you begin to think about yourself in your mother’s words. Now try to do this: separate your mother’s opinion from your own. As soon as you hear an assessment within yourself in the spirit of “I won’t be able to do this” or “I’m afraid to do this because...” or “this person will not be interested in me because I...” - ask yourself a question : whose voice is this? Once you realize that you are repeating your mother's words, try to find your own. “And I’ll try because I...” (and find something good). Instead of self-criticism, try approving yourself. Imagine that you are your own mother. What would you do with your child? Would you criticize and condemn in the same way? Hardly.... So why do you allow your mother to continue to “restore order” within your personality? Become a good mother to your inner child. And try to change your usual settings. At first it will not be easy, and these “persuasions” will not be easy to believe. But as soon as you begin to approve of yourself more and more, look for new words for yourself instead of your mother’s old ones, and become your own “good mother” - everything will begin to change. However, this is just the beginning of the process. Such conditions still need deeper study, with a specialist.
Sincerely, Anton Mikhailovich Nesvitsky.
It often happens that people, already as adults, suffer from certain psychological problems. Some of them turn to psychoanalysts, spending a lot of money to be cured of their complexes, often not suspecting that the whole point is in their childhood experiences. Therefore, today we will tell you about 10 psychological problems in adults that arise as a result of improper upbringing in childhood. So, let's go!
Problem #1 – increased levels of anxiety coupled with depression and lack of independence
In psychology, there is such a thing as “helicopter parents.” It appeared to describe the type of parents who, like rotorcraft, flutter over their child, trying not to miss even the most insignificant detail in his life. Of course, they want only the best for their child, but as a result, the child himself may get more than one mental disorder along with the inability to make independent decisions in the future. This problem can manifest itself in people when they constantly ask their parents for advice on a wide variety of issues.
Problem #2 – destructive addictions or extreme sports
This problem may appear in a child whose parents constantly reproach him. You can hear from them how hard it was for them after the birth of the child, how much trouble it brings them. The child, hearing this, begins a program of self-destruction. As a rule, it all begins with unconscious injuries, and can end with the acquisition of a full spectrum bad habits or a passion for extreme sports.
Problem #3 – problems with relaxation
Simply put, it is very difficult for a person to fully relax and unwind. It turns out that this problem can also “grow out” of childhood. The fact is that some parents, trying to discipline their children at least a little, may use phrases like “Stop fooling around”, “You’re finally smarter!”, “Behave like big boy(big girl).” Regular use of such formulas can lead to the fact that in the future the child will grow up to be an overly serious person for whom rest and relaxation will be akin to another test. And he can also acquire additional “bonuses” in the form of rejection of children and hatred of infantile people.
As we become adults, we try to forget the problems and experiences of childhood. But they remember us for a long time and can ruin our lives for decades to come. Of course, it is impossible to change the past, but you can look at it differently, rethink and understand a lot. And sometimes even benefit.
Correcting childhood problems as an adult can be difficult and painful. So much so that many are attracted to another solution to the problem - simply blaming the parents for everything. “You were only concerned with yourself, I saw you on holidays, and now you want me to create a happy family? Yes, I don’t know what it is! “In essence, such statements are true. After all, 90 percent of what we have as adults is acquired in early childhood. And it is our parents who are responsible for our character, outlook on life, ability to build relationships with people and much, much more. The parental example is learned from infancy - mostly unconsciously, but very firmly. So we largely owe our talents, success in any area of life, and achievements to our parents. Who is to blame for failures? They too. But still, you shouldn’t tell your parents that they ruined your whole life. First of all, it won't make it any easier. To all the existing problems will be added a general feeling of guilt and tension in the relationship. Secondly, are they adults? That's why they are adults, so they can deal with all problems on their own. Even with those who were in childhood.
Lack of love in childhood
Small children do not know the word “love” and do not understand its patterns. But they are very sensitive and can even get sick if they do not receive warmth, tenderness and sincere affection from the adults around them. For babies, such emotional deprivation is when adults, caring for a child, simply do everything necessary procedures without being emotionally involved in communication, ? can be disastrous. It leads to hospitalism, a painful condition similar to depression in adults. The child loses interest in the world around him and does not even cry, knowing that no one will come anyway. Fortunately, this rarely happens in a family environment, but one should not think that in prosperous families children always feel loved. Neither the completeness of the family, nor its material stability, nor the social level in themselves ensure love for a child. “As a child, I wanted my mother to scold me. And then she would also stroke my head for a long time, wipe away my tears and take me in my arms. And in case of misdemeanor, she said: “Get out,” and for some time after that she behaved distantly. Now I understand that I was simply born at the wrong time and was a hindrance for her - that’s why there were no warm feelings.”
Growing up, a person tries with all his might to make up for the lack of love. Both men and women are looking for someone who will not only love them, but treat them with adoration. It may take several years for the balance of feelings of the disadvantaged child to be restored. Another problem is the relationship with your own child. A girl who lacks love from her mother runs the risk of not becoming a good mother herself in the future. There may not be enough tenderness, tenderness, affection.
This can be prevented by returning to childhood and giving that little child what was due to him by right of age - the boundless love of an adult. Now there is definitely such an adult - you yourself. Take a childhood photograph, remember your feelings in different situations and say in the most touching and tender words what you needed then. Also, hug your loved ones as often as possible. Bodily contacts - hugs, stroking, just touching? have a truly therapeutic effect, strengthening a basic sense of trust in the world, improving physical and mental well-being. Children's grievances
Even very loving parents can yell at their child, pull him down rudely, or forget him in kindergarten. Dad thought that mom was taking it, mom thought that dad was taking it. A small child listens to the steps on the stairs and thinks that they will never come for him again. Children are emotional creatures; they do not know how to look at a situation abstractly and reason logically. And they remember the moments of their resentment towards their parents very well - in all their colors, in their own feelings. And that is why it can be difficult to part with resentment towards parents even as an adult. Although it’s embarrassing to say that thirty years ago your mother dressed you in such a dress that the whole class laughed.
Why are grievances dangerous? First of all, a violation of communication. There will be no openness, honesty, warmth - everything that is necessary to feel confident and comfortable. Conflicts are possible in it - even if you consciously decided that remembering the old does not make sense.
Do it the other way around?
The problem with people who were abused as children is that they are too protective of their children. “I will never act like my parents”, “My child will have no reason to be offended”, “I know from myself how difficult this is, and I will not do that to my child”... In fact, sometimes such beliefs do not suit the child for the benefit. No matter how cruel it may seem to us, children should know both disappointment and resentment. This helps prepare for the realities of life and teaches you to work with your feelings. There is nothing wrong if a child feels offended, the main thing is? so that at the same time he would still be confident in our love.
“I went to kindergarten for five days from the age of four and still remember the feeling of melancholy and fear when the teachers closed the door at night. Of course, my mother always explained that she had no other choice, that it was necessary because of work. And then my grandmother said that my mother was taking me there “to spite her.” They quarreled, and my mother did not want my grandmother to raise me. I still can’t forgive this. Her own ambitions were more important to her mother than her daughter’s normal life. Of course, I didn’t talk about it and generally tried to forget. But then my mother reproached me for not paying attention to my children. “Caring mothers carefully choose a school, and do not lead them to the one that is closer,” ? she said. “I expressed everything I thought about caring mothers and about her in particular.”
You shouldn't keep grudges to yourself. If there is no real opportunity to talk with your parents (or if you think that such a conversation will not be received adequately), use the psychodrama method. You say everything you think on your own behalf, and then you yourself answer on behalf of your mother. You can say whatever comes to mind. As a rule, several “sessions” are enough to find out all the circumstances, understand the parents and completely forgive. Although, the more complex the situation, the more work. Children's feelings of inferiority
All children have it and are a necessary development factor. Seeing that adults are stronger, more capable, smarter, the child wants to become the same. But the adults are right there: “You can’t do anything, it’s better not to interfere,” “Will you never dance? they don’t hire such fat people”, “You read worse than everyone else and, it seems, you will never learn”... When becoming adults, such children can go in two ways. The first is to really do nothing and follow parental instructions regarding profession and personal life. The second is to constantly strive to get rid of feelings of inferiority by proving to everyone that “I can do it.” But even achievements do not give a feeling of confidence if it was not laid down in childhood. Often in his aspirations a person reaches a nervous breakdown, unable to relax and stop at least for a moment. short time. And it doesn’t matter what areas of activity a person cares about - profession or personal life. And in relation to their children, people with low self-esteem also often have excessive demands. “I won’t be anything good anyway, I need to make every effort to educate my child”? This is the principle of the educational process in the family. Parents can do anything for the sake of their child: move to another city, leave their career, take care of their child literally day and night. “Wow, how caring”? others think. In fact, the parents themselves receive more. They (or one of them) finally have a feeling of significance, completeness, and fulfillment. But it can be very difficult for a child to realize other people’s plans.
It is necessary to fight the feeling of inferiority - otherwise it can persist for the rest of your life, changing not only your lifestyle, but also your character. First, just thank (mentally) those who instilled it in you? Thanks to them, you have developed qualities such as perseverance and determination. Then - learn to appreciate your achievements and just yourself, without achievements. Distinguish when criticism addressed to you is constructive and when it is simply manipulation. Constructive behavior, of course, must be appreciated, but manipulation must be fought mercilessly. Just don't get emotionally involved - react only to the words. “Yes, I really don’t manage to do everything I plan”, “We are all not perfect - everyone has their own shortcomings”, “Perhaps I should think about it”? These should be your responses to criticism. People who criticize us out of a desire to ruin our mood or piss us off will quickly lose interest in such a conversation - especially if you answer them in a kind and slightly ironic tone. And our children will receive very good example: the sooner they learn that not all comments addressed to them should be taken seriously, the better.
Family unsettledness
Quarrels, divorces, remarriages - a child cannot be indifferent to all this. Even in best case scenario- when there are people who are ready to care and love always. Do children still suffer or experience fear? because they don’t know what to expect tomorrow, then a feeling of guilt - because, due to their self-centeredness, they often mistakenly believe that they were the cause of such a family situation. When everything in a family is unclear for years, quarrels become an integral part of everyday life, and adults, without mincing words, discuss each other’s shortcomings, then in the child’s mind the words “family” and “problem” become, alas, synonymous. When they become adults, it is with these attitudes that people enter into marriage. And it turns out that many problems are passed on from generation to generation. Even those who were sure that they would never behave like their parents, at a certain age begin to subconsciously repeat the same actions towards others.
Change the script
Children from divorced families are more likely to get divorced than those who have learned that in any situation it is possible to negotiate and improve the situation. Those who, in childhood, repeatedly witnessed parental scandals, also do not particularly hide their dissatisfaction with each other in front of their children. And expectations from marriage can be very similar to what we ourselves observed in childhood in our parents’ family.
But the negative scenario can be corrected. Imagine your future life - first, in general, then individual events, and then - in periods of time. If you notice something unnecessary in your ideas (infidelity, problems with a child’s learning and behavior, divorce, loneliness), then delete it immediately. For the vacated space - all the best that you can wish for yourself. This seems like an aimless pastime - in fact, such dreams are one of the methods of positive psychotherapy.
Psychologists cannot give an exact explanation of how our thoughts and scenarios are realized, but they have a huge amount of evidence that the method described above works. If you think about the future and imagine difficulties with your child and expect him to be “an exact copy of his terrible father,” then this will most likely be the case. This means that you should definitely outline a more attractive course of events - one in which there is good relationship, success and happiness of the whole family.
