Until the age of 1.5 years, a child needs his mother so much and is so attached that she can be almost anything, he will still depend on her and follow her like a tail. But is this love? It’s more like a dependence for the sake of survival, because at this age he can’t live without his mother. And if the mother is absent for a long time, then children under one year old can forget her and become attached to some other adult, whom they also begin to “love” very much. For example, they call the grandmother with whom they lived all summer, mom. Have you heard such stories? I've heard it more than once.
From the age of 1.5 years, the first period of separation from the mother begins, and then there are many different feelings towards her, which can replace one another, but cannot yet coexist together. But there is still a lot of affection because mom provides basic security. At 2 years old, a child can be terribly angry with his mother and at the same time afraid to let her go. Hysterics begin, which become a powerful performance for a specific viewer. Perhaps you have encountered a situation where a child makes a scandal in front of his mother, but when a child appears on the horizon stranger, the child stops making trouble and immediately hides in his mother. And this is normal, because with the help of anger the child separates from the mother and becomes more independent. But he can do this in conditions of sufficient safety, which the mother herself must create. By the way, a mother who prevents this process of separation and expression of anger does not allow the child to grow.
At the age of 3, children often declare that they will go to live with another mother, who allows them to eat more sweets and never puts them to bed at all. Has this happened to your children? It definitely happened to mine :)
In addition, at 3 years old the girl falls in love with her dad and she has a lot of anger towards her mother because of competition. And the boy falls in love with his mother. And then he has a lot of lust for her, and jealousy for his father, and then he has a lot of anger because he cannot have his mother, despair and disappointment. Yes, yes, disappointment in the mother as an erotic object and turning one’s erotic feelings outward, to other people. A difficult story, but absolutely necessary for the maturation of a person.
By the age of 5, children develop so-called mixed feelings, when children already understand the ambiguity of the world and realize that people are contradictory creatures. And you can be angry at the same person without ceasing to love him. And then children begin to really love their parents. They talk about their love. They give gifts, sing songs. Not because they were taught this, but really, from the inside. And it’s very warm, pleasant and real.
Well, as you grow older, secrets appear from your mother. School and a lot of mixed feelings towards parents who force us to maintain discipline and do homework and everything else. Then they bought or didn’t buy something, didn’t give out enough pocket money, and did a lot of other things wrong
IN adolescence, when a person again, more thoroughly, separates from his parents, there may be anger, hatred, shame for them, guilt towards them. Resentment for minor everyday betrayals. The desire to change things, to explain how one should live, to do good to parents. And hatred because parents don’t want to change. Love covers all this. Or rather, all this would be completely impossible if there was no basic trust and love for parents. But if you ask any normal teenager if he loves his mother, what answer will you get? That's it...
Skirmishes on the border, manipulations. But border conflicts do not always go smoothly. During their time together, both sides have managed to get to know each other and each other’s sore spots and can hit with all their might. Especially teenagers.
When a grown child leaves home, he also has ambiguous feelings towards his mother, because on the one hand, you can still ask her for money and help, but on the other hand, you need to defend your right to make your own life decisions. And in general, many leave home with a scandal. And then the endless dance and search for balance begins.
When young people have their first children, they begin to approach their parents in status and experience. And even surpass them in many ways. Whatever you say, today's grandmothers do not have much healthy maternal experience. And most often they know little about babywearing, co-sleeping and breastfeeding on demand. And also about the natural stages of separation from parents without deportation to a nursery at six months. Do you think this stage is also painless? Just don’t say that your mother didn’t try at least once in your life to tell you how and when to have children, how to carry a pregnancy to term or treat your pregnant wife, how and where to give birth and raise your own child. And how did this make you feel? Was it always love, joy and deep gratitude? Or were they still mixed with notes of irritation and bewilderment? Or even real adult anger.
And yet, when their first children are born, parents are often overwhelmed with less than pleasant memories of their childhood. And then, as they raise their children, parents suddenly discover that they are doing everything like their mother. They've been driving this mother out of herself, and she's here again with her usual patterns....
And for new grandparents, the addition of a child into the family who is not entirely within their area of responsibility is not easy. Many grandmothers have a tendency to “adopt” grandchildren with the best of intentions. Especially for single people, whose name is legion in our country.
Then mothers (today's grandmothers, 60-70 years old) are often left alone, finally meeting themselves and their feelings. Or trying not to meet. And since the grandmothers of our generation are not used to themselves, very often they become immersed in work, illness, grandchildren, or relationships with adult children who are not separated. And manipulating them with the help of health complaints and reminders of approaching death. An attempt to control the life of a young family with the help of finances. Of course, not all grandmothers do this, but this pattern of behavior is familiar to many. And in this place, many feelings can arise in relation to mothers and grandmothers. And this again is not really love, but rather irritation, guilt, fear of loss and everything that accompanies the process of separation from the mother.
Of course, there are separate, conscious mothers-grandmothers who respect the boundaries of their adult children, who know how to be close and separate, without clinging to their grandchildren. They exist, and this gives great hope. But in the generation of our mothers and grandmothers, such people, unfortunately, are a minority. Not because they are grandmothers, but because that is what this generation is like. Too traumatized.
And then the process of leaving life, which different people live very differently. I’m not ready to write about this because I don’t have enough experience in this topic. I can only say that the death of a mother does not at all guarantee that a person will truly emotionally separate from her. Many people continue to be at one with their mothers, or rather with their image, long after physical departure. In addition, it seems that it is not customary to be angry or offended by the dead. It is common to miss them greatly and feel guilty. Big and such, which is now definitely impossible to redeem. Oh this society...
In general, you have already understood that feelings for the mother are determined by the stage of psychological development at which a person is. And this stage may be completely unrelated to biological age. At 30 and 50 years old, you can still be the same mother’s boy or girl, desperately trying to earn mother’s love. It's true. If suddenly a grandmother or another relative finds herself in the mother’s place, then all these feelings pour out on him.
As each child grows up, starting from birth, he draws conclusions about himself primarily from the words of others and depending on their attitude. This question arises most acutely when the child comes to school, new team, but the main experiences occur during adolescence.
Getting a child interested in learning so that he or she enjoys learning is often not so easy. Parents have to put a lot of time and effort into this. When patience and imagination run out, psychologists come to the rescue.
Does your baby refuse to eat? Does your child eat poorly and you can’t get your baby to eat anything? Is child nutrition a sore subject for your family? You are not alone in this problem. Many parents are very concerned that their child is either eating or not eating at all. This problem is as important and pressing as ensuring the safety of children at home. So what can you do to avoid fighting with your baby at every meal?
Uncontrollable outbursts of anger, unbridled rage - such feelings are not beautiful for anyone. Especially if adults yell at children. Sound familiar? “Cooling down” and then remembering your unbridled outbursts of anger, dissatisfaction with yourself and an acute feeling of guilt in relation to your child arise. How to cope with attacks of aggression and be calm parents?
IN modern world stepfamilies are common. Society is calm about new marriages between spouses who already have children. However, this is a lot of stress for children. Often the merging of two families results in rivalry between half-siblings.
There is one principle that will allow parents to avoid making many mistakes. And also - save yourself some nerves.
This principle sounds simple and banal, but are we always aware of it? Important treasures are hidden behind the apparent simplicity. The principle is: “I need to remember that the child is constantly changing.”
The child is constantly growing. And it's constantly changing. So fast that we cannot follow this process. And the most common mistakes parents make are when we hold on to old ideas about the child. For the old methods. For the old regime.
Simply put, we cannot become more flexible. We don't see today's child. We are in no hurry to change our strategies. We are in no hurry to give up what worked before. We fight the changes in the child instead of accepting them and rebuilding.
For two weeks the child consistently fell asleep at 1 p.m. And yesterday and today - he falls asleep at 13:30. Or even at 14. But we don’t always have the wisdom to shift the bed if the little one doesn’t show fatigue.
The baby sat well in the sun lounger for two weeks. But for three days now he hasn’t sat, he’s been crying. But we continue to stubbornly put him in a lounger, instead of finding an alternative - for example, on a blanket on the floor.
For a long time Walking before bedtime helped the child. For a long time he liked bathing. Or games with cubes. Or developmental classes... But now - no. We may think, “This is some kind of misunderstanding. I'll try again tomorrow. And I'll try again. And one more thing” Or we can almost immediately start looking for other options. You can immediately see that the child has become different.
In our country, this is especially clearly reflected in the change of regime. I love a stable, clear daily routine so much... But as soon as you develop a stable pattern of actions, the child changes. AND old scheme stops working. It's time to look for something new.
The longer you cling to the old, the more mistakes you will make, the more nerves you will lose. And if you are open to your child every day, ready to see him today, you will adapt to any changes on the fly.
We had an excellent regime for about a month. In the morning, from about 9 to 10, I cleaned and then played with the children. Everything was great. Lisa got used to the fact that business comes first, then games... And Lesha somehow endured everything calmly.
But now Lesha has stopped playing with Lisa. And he stopped patiently giving me an hour to do things. For the first 15 minutes everything is fine, the kid takes apart all the switches in the apartment and that’s it door handles. Then, perhaps, he still tries to disassemble or improve the toaster. And then - that's it.
Then he began to demand to study, to get benefits. Then demand to draw a butterfly. Then eat porridge. Then something else... And if he was alone in the family, it would be okay. But there is also Lisa, who by 10 o’clock actively demands games. And if from 9 to 10 I was constantly distracted by Lesha, then I definitely didn’t finish cleaning...
Basically, somehow I manage to do everything. First I’ll distract one child, then another. But when you set out to implement the old scheme, it becomes a complete hassle...
Yes, the old scheme was very, very convenient. Beautiful. And it worked perfectly. Earlier. It's very sad to say goodbye to her. But the situation has changed. The child has changed. We need to look for other methods. Cleaning is not an hour at a time, but 15 minutes at a time. Some other tricks. Some new ideas...
As soon as something becomes uncomfortable and exhausting, it needs to be changed. Try other options. Don't get attached to the old.
It happens that a child has some kind of crisis three days a month, and then everything returns to the same way. Then mom should have a separate tactic for these three days, and then return the old one.
There are no clear rules here, the essence is the same: be attentive to the child and notice what he is like today. More nervous? Or, on the contrary, more calm? Will what we did yesterday really work today?
Gradually, my mother develops intuition. And she already sees how the child is changing.
The same goes for education. Yesterday the little one obeyed. Today - no. Yesterday I calmly walked past the store. Today I am hysterical. Yesterday it was enough to promise to see the dogs... Today, we need something fundamentally new.
Therefore, you just need to keep in mind “The child is constantly changing” and monitor these changes.
After 10 years, a time of change comes for parents and children: under the influence of sex hormones, the child’s body grows and develops rapidly. What stages can be distinguished in bodily maturation? What can parents prepare teenagers for and what will they have to endure and accept themselves? Our experts talk about the psychophysiology of sexual development.
All parents have a rough idea of how a child develops, what can be expected from his behavior, they know by watching their son or daughter day after day. But when it comes to sexual development, parents do not always have enough knowledge.
An idea of what age-related changes should be expected at different stages of development, and observation of what actually happens, allows you to navigate what is happening, timely notice something unusual, strange, inappropriate for age, and, if necessary, seek help. In addition, when communicating with a teenager, parents will have to determine how ready he is to discuss the intimate side of life, so as not to embarrass him ahead of time or be late with an important conversation.
10–19 years old: a decade of change
Children under ten years of age grow evenly, with boys and girls having the same body proportions. At the beginning of puberty, the pubertal growth spurt occurs. At this time, body length can increase by 7–12 cm per year.
Girls usually outstrip boys their age in growth and development. For girls, the leap occurs on average at 10–11 years of age, for boys at 13 years of age. After reaching the peak growth rate, its rapid slowdown and cessation is observed: in girls - after 16 years, in boys - after 18 years.
The maximum growth rate of adolescents is observed in the spring, and maximum speed weight gain - in the fall. The intensity and duration of this surge is different for each teenager. Boys “catch up” and sometimes are ahead of girls in development, as a rule, only in the last grades of school, while a 17-18 year old boy is still growing, and a girl is already stunted in growth.
Body shape and the rate of maturation of the reproductive system are determined by sex hormones. In boys, this is testosterone produced by the testicles. It causes development of the genitals and physical changes in the adolescent's body, including enlargement muscle mass and bone maturation. The physique takes on typical masculine features - broad shoulders and narrow hips, sculpted chest and back muscles, a masculine buttock shape. There may even be temporary swelling of the breasts and nipples, followed by pigmentation of the areola.
All dates mentioned below serve as guidelines and are entirely subject to individual fluctuations. The development of secondary sexual characteristics in boys on average spans the period from 10.5 to 18 years. First of all, at the age of 10.5–12 years, the testicles enlarge; at 12–13 years, the growth of the penis begins, at the same time pubic hair appears, after which other signs of puberty appear successively. Some young men begin to shave so that facial hair appears faster. The growth of the external genitalia is usually completed by the age of 17–18, although their growth may continue until the age of 20–25.
The main sex hormones in girls are estrogens, produced by the ovaries. They ensure the maturation of the genital organs and the development of the mammary glands. Androgen hormones are partly involved in puberty in girls. Under the influence of sex hormones, body shapes become rounded, breasts enlarge, and the pelvis becomes wider than the shoulder girdle.
External manifestations of sexual development in girls cover the period from 9 to 17 years. With the onset of puberty in girls, the pelvis expands, the hips and buttocks become noticeably rounded, and the mammary glands enlarge (9–10 years), which take about 4 years to fully develop. At the age of 10–11 years, pubic hair begins to grow, reaching a maximum after 2.5–3 years. Hair growth in the axillary areas begins 1.5–2 years after pubic hair growth and is completed by the age of 18.
The first menstruation occurs between 9 and 15 years, most often at 12–14 years. The age at which menstruation appears is mainly determined by health, heredity and living conditions. The appearance of the first menstruation before the age of 9 and especially the absence of menstruation after 15–16 years is a reason to consult a gynecologist. At first the cycle may change. Gradually, periods become regular: they occur on average every 28 days and last 3–5 days.
Causes for concern and examination may be:
Short (less than 21 days) or long (over 35 days) menstrual cycle;
Irregular cycle, if it persists for more than one and a half years after the onset of menstruation;
Duration of menstruation - 1–2 days or more than 7 days;
Heavy bleeding or pain during menstruation.
What to pay attention to
Sometimes newborns and infants exhibit structural features of the genital organs that require consultation with a doctor. In boys, the absence of one or both testicles in the scrotum occurs - cryptorchidism. In some cases, the testicle descends into the scrotum on its own during the first year of the baby’s life. But if you do not determine the cause of such a deviation and do not start monitoring, this can subsequently lead to infertility and other diseases, tumors.
Boys may experience a narrowing of the foreskin, phimosis, when it is impossible to expose the head of the penis. This situation also requires consultation with a pediatrician or urologist. In little girls, there may be adhesion and fusion of the labia - synechia, when the entrance to the vagina is partially or almost completely closed. This is a reason to contact a pediatrician or pediatric gynecologist.
Prepare for the unexpected
Bodily changes can take teens by surprise, upset, or frighten them. Even those who have studied “Human Anatomy” and have a rough idea of the physiological processes in the body are not always ready to personally encounter new features of their own body. That's why main task parents - talk in advance about these difficult topics, reassure them, explain what unfamiliar phenomena and sensations mean.
The first emissions - involuntary ejaculation at night and in the morning, often accompanied by erotic dreams - occur at the age of 14 and for most young men they become regular by the age of 16. Boys often perceive them as a disease and are very worried.
Parents, and best of all the father, need to talk to their son about wet dreams even before they appear, explain that this is a common phenomenon that accompanies the transformation from a boy to a man, that this is not something to be scared or embarrassed about, that wet dreams can be repeated quite often and involuntarily, and may stop over time.
Parents, better than mothers, need to explain to a girl at the age of 9–10 how the female reproductive system works
For girls, an important milestone in growing up is their first menstruation. If it happens unexpectedly, the girl may get scared and panic; she may be embarrassed to talk about what happened or ask a question. Therefore, parents, better than mothers, need to explain to the girl at the age of 9–10 how the female reproductive system works, explain the nature of menstruation, and tell her that this is a normal stage in the development of the female body. In this case, the girl will be prepared for the fact that she will one day have bloody discharge from the genitals, and will not be scared or embarrassed.
After the onset of the first menstruation, it is important to say that from this moment pregnancy can occur during sexual contact, even with an irregular cycle. You can suggest that the girl keep a menstrual calendar so that it becomes a habit.
Another significant aspect of this situation is personal hygiene, use modern means, well-being and behavior during menstruation. Shortly before and during menstruation, general health may deteriorate, irritability and discomfort may appear, and sometimes menstruation can be painful. You also need to warn about this in advance.
How to take care of yourself?
Children don't know some obvious rules. It’s good if their parents tell them about this - so that personal hygiene becomes more difficult. good habit, But a necessary condition self-esteem, part of adolescents’ idea of civilized behavior towards themselves and the people around them.
Girls should know that:
Maintaining genital hygiene is important for the prevention of certain inflammatory diseases, but does not protect against sexually transmitted infections;
You should change your underwear daily and use pads if necessary;
When washing (twice a day), the stream of water should be directed so as not to introduce infection from the anus into the vagina.
Boys should know that:
There may be formation around the head of the penis white coating(smegma), which consists of the secretion of the glands of the foreskin;
It is necessary to wash your genitals every day before going to bed. warm water with soap, in this case the foreskin should be pulled back and the smegma should be removed, otherwise an inflammatory process may develop;
In some nations, it is customary to circumcise the foreskin of boys, but this does not eliminate the need for hygienic procedures.
“This is what’s happening to me...”
Teenagers evaluate their bodies primarily in terms of sexual attractiveness. Therefore, it is typical for them to pay morbid attention to the parameters and proportions of the body, the condition of the skin, and the size of the genitals. These individual parts seem too big or small, thick or thin. Such increased sensitivity can cause conflict reactions or neuroses, even such serious ones as body dysmorphomania and anorexia nervosa. There may be a decrease in self-esteem and sense of self-worth.
The teenager’s experiences are close to the sensations that Alice in Wonderland experiences, examining her body from the outside and observing what is happening to it: “No, just think! - she said. - What a strange day today! And yesterday everything went as usual! Maybe it was me who changed overnight? Let me remember; this morning when I got up, was it me or not me? It seems that I’m not quite me anymore! But if this is so, then who am I in this case? It's so difficult..."
Insensitive remarks can cause painful experiences in a teenager, thoughts of physical impairment
Those around also have difficulty recognizing the changed child: “You... who... are you?” - asked the Blue Caterpillar. The beginning was not very conducive to conversation. “I really don’t know now, madam,” answered Alice timidly. “I know who I was this morning when I woke up, but since then I’ve changed several times.” - “What are you making up? - the Caterpillar asked sternly. “Are you out of your mind?” “I don’t know,” answered Alice. “It must be in someone else’s.”
All teenagers want to be sure that everything is in order with their body, especially the genitals in boys and the mammary glands in girls. After all, they constantly compare themselves with their peers. Indelicate remarks from others, parents - “what a nose you have”, “what kind of legs you have” - can cause painful experiences in a teenager, thoughts about physical inferiority, and form a strong belief in his own physical inferiority. Even if a teenager does not ask direct questions about his body and face, it is necessary to dispel his possible complexes in every way.
The task of parents is to explain to the teenager that the changes happening to him are temporary. Girls develop fat mass during normal puberty, and they think they are getting fat. In an effort to meet “beauty standards,” adolescents, especially girls, often limit themselves in food and resort to pharmacological means of body weight correction, which entails the risk of anorexia—a complete refusal to eat.
The unwitting cause of anorexia nervosa can be the parents themselves: “Why do you eat so much? You’re mine, my fatty!” It will be useful for young people to keep in mind that in different societies and different cultures Ideals of beauty and attractiveness are not the same, so every person can be an object of admiration.
About the experts
Elena Anoprienko- Head of the Center for Medical, Psychological and Social Rehabilitation Assistance to Children of the National Children's Specialized Hospital "OKHMATDET" (Kyiv, Ukraine).
Elena Meshkova- pediatrician of the highest category, Honored Doctor of Ukraine, deputy general director National Children's Specialized Hospital "OKHMATDET" (Kyiv, Ukraine).
Alexander Kulikov- Doctor of Medical Sciences, Professor of the Department of Pediatrics and Pediatric Cardiology of Northwestern medical university named after I.I. Mechnikov, head of the Educational, Methodological and Scientific Center for the Development of Youth-Friendly Clinics (St. Petersburg).
